Real Talk

Dan threw his hands up in frustration. He said, “She’s had it too good for too long. “

Homer asked, “Who?”

“Ace. She’s an ass, dude.”

“Trueeee. Trueeee.”

Joseph said, “Wait, why do you think that? She seems nice.”

Dan facepalmed, sighed, then pointed a finger at Joseph. “That’s exactly why. Pretty, nice, well-adjusted, really nice eyes, cute smile, tries hard in school.”

Joseph furrowed his eyebrows. “You just listed all the good things about her.”

Homer said, “If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t.”

Dan said, “I’m going to talk to her in class tomorrow.”

Joseph said, “For what? You don’t like her.”

“I’m going to influence her. Be a bad influence on her life. Drag her down like a leech.” Dan made a sucking sound with his tongue and teeth for emphasis.

“Reeeaaalll talk. You’re a truther.”

Dan held out a fist and Homer bumped it.

Joseph said, “She’s just going to think you’re a loser.”

“But an attractive loser.”

Dan held out a fist and Homer bumped it again. They nodded vigorously at each other.

Joseph said, “What kind of loser is attractive?”

Dan said, “I’m going to talk her up, make some moves. You know what I mean?”

Joseph said, “What do you think makes you attractive?”

Dan closed his eyes for a moment, and opened them. “I’m going to date her, then marry her. Be a reeeaaalll bad influence for her for the rest of her life.”

Joseph slammed his fist on the couch he was sitting on. Dan held up his arms in surrender. Homer raised his eyebrows.

Dan said, “Whoa man, what’re you mad about?”

Joseph crossed his arms and said, “Nothing.”

Dan leaned over to Homer and whispered into his ear. They both giggled while looking at Joseph, then chortled, and burst out into raucous laughter. They doubled over. Joseph looked away. His lips twitched upwards in a crooked smile, and he started to chuckle. Joseph pointed a finger at Dan and Homer, his voice trembling with laughter, “You guys are idiots. Every time one of you open your mouths, I can feel my brain cells dying.”

Dan said, “He’s mad, he’s mad!”

Homer said, “Trrrueeeee!”

After they stopped laughing, Joseph asked, “So what are you going to do to her?”

Dan said, “I already told you, man. I’m going to go the distance with her. Be a bad influence.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. I’ll rub off on her. She’s going to get a bit of that degen stuff from me. You know what I mean? Weed monsterrrr, man.”

Joseph said, “What about tomorrow?”

“Oh, I’ll probably talk her up, and if it feels right, I’ll ask her to get coffee with me sometime.”

“Do you even drink coffee?”

Dan scoffed. “No. Who do you think I am? One of those coffee drinkers? No, man. Straight edge. Straaaaight. Straight as can be.”

Homer said, “That’s right. Reeeeaaaalllll talk.”

Dan held out a fist and Homer bumped it.

Joseph asked, “So what’re you going to do when you get coffee with her?”

Dan shrugged. “I dunno man. Probably just talk, try to make a good impression on her? But only so she trusts me. So I can be a real bad influence on her life.”

“You do hate her, right?”

“Sure do.”

“Yeah, okay. You’re a fuckin’ idiot.”